Just Another Day at the Office
by LadyRaider
Summary: Complete! My attempt at humor. Scully addicted to the Sims? Mulder seaking revenge on...? Somebody gets revenge on Mulder...who is it? Will Scully ever find Stapey? Epilogue now up!
1. Monday

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

* * *

Fox Mulder hated Mondays. He hated them with a passion, there was no worse day of the week besides a Monday. And, to make things worse it was the Monday after a very uneventful case, and one hell of a lecture from Skinner, for going on said idiotic case.  
  
And, to top it all off, Scully actually said, 'I told you so'! The nerve. One of the only times she's ever right about a case, and she had the audacity to tell him, 'I told you so'.   
  
So, there he was, sitting at his desk, staring at the blank screen (he was supposed to being a field report, but, that didn't seem likely) being bored out of his mind. When, from no where, he hears this muffled--yet bloodcurdling--scream. His ears perked (the way a dog's would) and he quickly glanced around the room. No telling where the noise had come from. Millions of things were running through his mind; spirits, aliens (well, not really, but anytime something strange happened, he automatically went to aliens), or some off-his-rocker Agent snapped and killed somebody. He figured he was the only one crazy enough in the building to do something like that, so that left aliens and ghost.   
  
Then he heard it again, quite, bone chilling. It was definitely a female's voice, of that he was sure.  
  
Then he heard laughter. Albeit a muffled laughter, but laughter nonetheless. Who would be laughing?  
  
Then it hit him, it was Scully laughing.   
  
Well, his day just got a bit more interesting. He got up out of his chair and started walking to Scully's "corner" to see what she was up too. "Scully?" He questioned, walking up behind her seat.  
  
She twirled around, "what?"  
  
"Why are you laughing?"  
  
Her face flushed, "laughing? I wasn't laughing."  
  
"Yes, I heard you laughing."  
  
"No, Mulder, you must be hearing things."  
  
"Look, I may be 'spooky' but I'm not crazy."  
  
She mumbled something about begging to differ and went back to whatever she was doing on the computer. He examined the screen, confused.  
  
"Scully, what are you playing?"  
  
"Huh?" She looked back at him again, then back at the screen. "Oh, you mean this? It's the Sims."  
  
"The Sims?"  
  
"Come on Mulder, don't tell me you've never heard of the Sims before."  
  
"Alright, I won't tell you."  
  
"You've honestly never heard of the Sims."  
  
"Gods honest truth. So. What is it?"  
  
"It's a game…where you have little people, who's lives you're in…er…control of. You pick their jobs, love interest, things like that."  
  
"So, you're basically playing God?"  
  
She furrowed her brow, thinking. "Eh, I guess so."  
  
Then he heard it again, the screams that had so perked his interest. He gazed at the computer, only then fully comprehending what was going on in the game. "Scully! That chick is on fire!"  
  
She looked back at the computer, "so she is."  
  
"You want her to be on fire?"  
  
"Yeah…I mean, of course not. There's nothing I can do now. She's already dead."  
  
"So, you're just going to sit there while she burns to death."  
  
"Looks like."  
  
"Wow, that's really morbid."  
  
"Surprisingly fun, though."  
  
Mulder stared at her in amazement. This was definitely a side of his partner he had never seen before. The video game was one thing, but actually intending upon killing one of her "Sims" was not like Scully.   
  
The Grim Reaper came to claim the poor soul that Scully had burned to death, and a grave appeared in the yard. Then a box popped up on the screen. He read the box, shocked.  
  
"Diana Fowley?!"

* * *

a/n: ok, so, I'm not too sure how good this is. I just wanted to write a short fic, add in some humor, and kill Diana (even if it's not really her, it still has the same affect)! Lol, anyway, not planning on doing more, but I might do another. Maybe. Depends solely on my muse. Oh! Guess what! I passed my permit test, I got my permit. Yea for me. And, I drove our Suburban, too (wasn't the first time I drove it, but it still amazes me that I can drive something so big!) Anyway, no flames to hot! And, warm fuzzies are always welcome.   
  
OH:

* * *

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the x-files, stop badgering me about it. There's only so much I can take! :calms down: ok then. Sims are most definitely not mine, though, it'd be nice if they were. I'd be very rich. So, if anybody wants to give me the Sims for a belated b-day present (or even a congrats on my permit) i'd be perfectly fine with it! :wink, wink: 


	2. Tuesday

Thanks be to my reviewers! I'm shocked I had so many!  
  
Pixie Dust Bunny: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it.  
  
. : Ok, nice name, anyway. Here's the next chapter you wanted.  
  
Samantha: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed my strange story.   
  
The freaky one: You know, I don't really see her playing the sims, either. And, I've never had a contest to see how fast you can kill them before, but I just might now!  
  
DDstalker: I'm glad you lived it! Here's the next chapter you asked for.  
  
Angel LeeAnn: I love that she killed Diana, too! Thanks for the review.  
  
Blondevor: I'm glad my story gave you a 'monday morning laugh'! You're welcome.  
  
Rach: I know! I was thinking about that the other day, whilst watching the X-files. Diana's really ugly! It's uncanny if you ask me. And, like I said to 'the freaky one' I don't really see her doing that, either. But, that's what makes it so fun! Here's the other channel you asked for.  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Dana couldn't believe it, she was late. Dana was never late. Never. Damn police officers, do they not know who she is??? She's Special Agent Dana Scully. That's who. Emphasis on the Special.   
  
He wasn't bad looking though.   
  
"Should've gotten his number." She muttered to herself as she walked into the chilly basement office.   
  
"Huh?" Mulder said, looking at her over the rim of his computer.   
  
"Nothing, I was talking to myself." She set her things down and shed her coat, immediately regretting it. It was cold! She put it back on and went to her corner of the room. 'I really need a desk.' She thought as she looked at the sad area. It was almost messier than Mulder's desk. Key word, almost.  
  
She sighed and brought up 'Word', then stated to haphazardly finish her field report. It would definitely not be her best, but, it'd still be much better than Mulder's. If he even did his this time.  
  
She finished in 20 minutes, then looked at her clock. She still had hours to go until the end of the work day, and there were no interesting cases. 'Damn,' she thought, 'I must be going crazy, I actually want to go on one of Mulder's pointless cases!'  
  
She shook her head to rid herself of the thought and threw a look over her shoulder, good, Mulder was still busy at his computer. She, very stealthily, turned off the volume to her computer, and loaded her 'The Sims: Superstar' disk into the hard drive. It took a few minutes to start up, as per norm, but she finally got to her game.   
  
She surveyed all the people she had created, there was Skinner, her mother, Dia--no wait, she killed Diana the day before--, Krycheck (still had to kill him…but would be hard, even the 'Sim' version of him was sexy--not that she thought Krycheck was sexy or anything, that would be like blasphemy, no, no, she didn't think Krycheck was sexy. Now Mulder…)  
  
She shook her head again, 'no impure thoughts whilst working!' She scolded herself. 'Especially not about Krycheck!'   
  
But, Mulder. Mmmm.   
  
More head shaking, 'stop!'  
  
Back to her 'Sims'. There was a Sim Dana, Mulder, Phoebe, CSM (who strangely married Diana before she died, hmm), Deep Throat (ok, so, she brought him back from the dead, no biggie), X (also, back from the dead), and her family. She decided on Phoebe. It'd been lots of fun watching Diana burn the day before.   
  
'Ok.' She thought, 'maybe that's a little morbid, but what the hell, the bitch deserved it!!' She thought a second, 'Ok, Scully, don't get so carried away.'   
  
She decided that today, she'd pick a different method of elimination. The way she saw it, she had two other choices (or at least, two other choices she'd found out about so far), she could drown her, or she could starve her to death.   
  
Well, with the drowning there's no pleading for help, but, the starvation, that was always fun.   
  
'Crazy, you're crazy!' A little voice in the back of her mind screamed, she pushed it aside, like usual.  
  
So began the starvation. As Phoebe's hunger grew, everything else declined. And, as an extra, Scully made her have to use the bathroom so bad that she pissed all over herself. Scully always got a kick out of that one.  
  
'Sick and demented. That's what you are Scully, sick and demented.' Dana said.  
  
'So. At least I'm channeling my anger into this, instead of actually going out there and killing them.' Countered Scully.  
  
'What's wrong with that?'  
  
Scully thought, Dana was making a valid point. What was wrong with it? 'Uh…er…it's illegal.'   
  
'Alright, so you win. Go ahead, torture.'  
  
Scully knew she'd win against Dana, she always did. She went back to her torture.

* * *

Scully had been quiet all day. But, Mulder had yet to notice. He himself was too busy to care.   
  
The whole 'Sims' incident with Scully the day before had gotten him interested. Very interested. So interested in fact that he'd gotten on her game…he was a bit shocked to see that she had made a 'Sim' version of him. That version of him was alone too, go figure.  
  
He made his own family, in a different neighborhood. And, quite frankly, he'd gotten addicted. It took him all that he had to delete the game so that Scully wouldn't know he played it. And, after he did he ran out to the nearest store and bought the game for himself. As of now, he was getting his own little 'Sim' world started. He had 3 families, none completed. But, unlike Scully, he didn't have any of the people he knew in his game. Well, except for one. If Scully could get her revenge on the people in his life she didn't like, why couldn't he do the same?  
  
So, that's what he was doing. Screwing up the life of the one person in Scully's life he couldn't stand. But, it was with good reason! Then again, as was Scully's. And, Scully was right, torturing people was surprisingly fun, at least the 'Sim' version of said people.  
  
"Mulder. What are you doing?" Scully called from her side of the room. Damn, she'd gotten off of her game, now she noticed he was busy with something of his own.   
  
"Eh, nothing." He said, feigning innocence.   
  
She got out of her seat in the same manor he had the day before, walked over to his desk, and peered at his computer.   
  
"You got 'The Sims'?"  
  
He nodded his head.  
  
"Mulder, you're drowning that man!"  
  
He looked at the computer and cocked his head to one side, "so I am."  
  
"Well, who is he? Krycheck?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"CSM?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Any member of the syndicate?"  
  
"Nah."  
  
"Then, who?"  
  
He didn't say anything. The man drowned and the Grim Reaper came, a box popped up informing Mulder of the death of one of his 'Sims'.  
  
"Bill Scully...MULDER, MY BROTHER!"  
  
FINI

* * *

a/n: why you people wanted another chapter, I don't know. But, here it is. As I said before, I don't own 'The Sims'. You know, this story is very sadistic. I mean, yeah, I kill people on 'The Sims' from time to time. But. When you look at it, it's a bit cruel and unusual. Ah, oh well, at least it's fun. Lol. Anyway, if you want another chapter, I'll try to come up with something, but I'm not sure. For now though, we'll end it at that. Just tell me if you want another 


	3. Wednesday

a/n: again, I'm writing another chapter on the suggestion's of my reviewers. I'll continue to write as long as you want me too, considering I can keep coming up with ideas.  
  
Thanks to all that reviewed!

* * *

Pixie Dust Bunny: Thanks for the suggestion, I'll keep it in mind. I'm glad you find my story funny!  
  
Samantha: Thank you for the review, I'm glad you like it.  
  
Rach: I understand the word you misspelled, I'm a horrible speller too, you're not alone! Thanks for the review!  
  
LVB: My thoughts exactly. Phoebe is evil!! Here's the other chapter you requested.  
  
thefreakyone: you know, schizo does describe her well! Glad you're liking it.  
  
DDstalker: Here's the other chapter you wanted so much. And thanks for the suggestion, I'll keep it in mind, too.

* * *

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE 3  
  
It was late when Krycheck snuck into the basement office. He was on a mission, and, not one planned by that bastard of a boss, CSM. No, he was on a mission of his own.  
  
Truth be told, he'd been watching them (well, Scully mostly), and, when he noticed her so enthralled with something at her computer (same thing with Mulder), he just had to know what in the world it was. So there he was, sneaking into the basement office at 2:30 am. He would've left sooner, except for the fact two nameless agents were going at it in the elevators, two nameless male agents.   
  
Krycheck shuddered and ran for the bathrooms, losing his dinner in the toilet. That image was something he never wanted to think about again.   
  
He cleaned up and crept back down into the basement, taking the stairs. No way in hell he'd ever take that damn elevator again.   
  
He went to Scully's computer first, and started it. It loaded up and the password protect and popped up. He tried everything that he could think of; trustno1, Katherine, Dana, Scully, Dana Katherine Scully, Spooky, and even IceQueen, before he finally typed in the right password; Mrs.Scully. The computer finished loading and the first thing he noticed was an icon for a game called 'The Sims'. Could this be what Scully was so captivated by? Surely she wouldn't be spending her work day playing a computer game.   
  
Then again, she had spent years working with Mulder. Maybe he'd rubbed off on her. It was I nevitable, bound to happen sooner or later.  
  
He double clicked on the icon and watched the game load, dancing to the music that was playing along with it. He frowned when the music stopped before he was finished with his 'sexy white man' dance. After he was done pouting he looked around the neighborhood that loaded.  
  
"Hey!" He exclaimed upon a discovery, "that's me!" He clicked on the house Scully had him lilving in. He was happy that Scully would take the time to make a 'Sim' version of his self.   
  
"She wants me." He said to the stapler lying next to her computer, it didn't answer, just stared back at him.  
  
"Hey! What are you looking at?"   
  
It still wouldn't answer. He picked it up and hurled it across the room, it slammed into the door.  
  
"Ha ha, take that, bitch." He called after the stapler.   
  
He turned his attention back to the computer, and his 'Sim' life. His 'Sim' home wasn't very big, or furnished for some strange reason, unknown to him. There were swarms of flies and cochoroche's throughout the house. There wasn't even a bed! Or a toilet. As he watched, the 'Sim' version of him pissed his pants, then started crying!  
  
Krycheck felt his own tears coming on. How could Scully treat him with such cruelty? She wanted him. She couldn't possibly have done this. Mulder must have gotten onto her computer, and changed everything. Yeah, that was it. Mulder was jealous of the fact that Scully wanted Krycheck, and not him. So, he screwed up the 'Sim' Krycheck's life up.  
  
"That bitch!" Krycheck said, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'll show him!"

* * *

Mulder made sure to be at work bright and early Wednesday. His 'Sim' neighborhood was just getting started, and he was addicted. Scully had hit him with her shoe after he killed the 'Sim' version of her brother, and there was a nasty bruise, she would have been wearing pumps that day. Why did she do that? Wear pumps? It wasn't like they were easy to run in.  
  
Not that he knew from experience or anything.  
  
He rode down the elevator in silence, his nose crinkled. It smelled horrible! He plugged his nose and waited until it reached the basement, to lazy to get off and walk down the stairs. Relieved when the doors opened, he rushed out, thanking God he could finally breath again.  
  
He walked into the office whistling one of the songs from the game. He set his things down by his desk and immediately started up his computer, lying his feet on the top of his desk, leaning back in his chair.   
  
Maybe he shouldn't have gotten up so early, he started to doze off. Within minutes he was asleep.

* * *

Scully walked into the elevator and then quickly turned her on her heel and walked back out. It smelt bad. The only other time she could remember the elevator smelling like that was when she caught Agent Hopkins and Agent Kingsley together.   
  
Oh, God. Not something she wanted to think about! Looked like the two didn't heed her warning. She fought to keep her breakfast down.   
  
She walked down the stairs quickly, wanting to get away from the smell and the mental images as quickly as she possibly could. And, even that wasn't quick enough. She finally burst into the basement office, nearly gasping for breath.   
  
Mulder had been sleeping in his chair, his feet propped up on his desk. When she came into the office, it must have startled him for he went flying backwards, landing in the floor.   
  
Scully tried not to laugh, and she didn't. But, she couldn't help but giggle.  
  
Mulder turned his chair upright, stood up and fixed his suit. He cleared his throat and threw an evil look at Scully.  
  
"Morning, Mulder." She said with a snicker.  
  
He scowled, "yeah. Whatever." He sat in his seat, and turned to his computer, mumbling something about a sore ass.   
  
Scully only snickered again as she too sat in front of her computer. Oddly enough, it was already on. If she remembered correctly, it had been off when she left.  
  
"Hmm." She said looking around her makeshift desk.   
  
Wait a minute, where was stapy?  
  
"Mulder, have you see stapey…er…my stapler?"  
  
He looked at her, his right eyebrow raised almost up to his hairline. "Stapey?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind." He turned back to his computer.   
  
Scully frantically searched the office, Stapey had to be somewhere. But where, oh, where could Stapey have run off too?  
  
"That bitch." Scully mumbled to herself. "Leaving me like that, it's just rude."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Scully turned around, looking at Mulder. "Huh?"  
  
"What?"   
  
"What?" She was confused.   
  
"Never mind."  
  
They both stared at each other for a moment before Mulder turned back to his computer and Scully back to her frantic search for Stapey.  
  
After a few minutes of silence Mulder spoke again.  
  
"What the hell happened to my game?!?!?"

* * *

a/n: Will Scully ever find Stapey? What happened to Mulder's game? Could I get any more crazy?   
  
Review and you'll find out!  
  
Feel free to make suggestions, I'll try to fit them in with the story. And, I'm not one of those writers who doesn't thank the reviewer for the suggestions used. It'll be known I used your suggestion. So, review away! 


	4. Wednesday cont

THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!! I'm so shocked so many of you like my story! I thought that'd I'd get like one review for the first chapter telling me how bad it sucked!! Hope you enjoy this chappy!

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CB15: Thanks for all 3 enthusiastic reviews! Lol. I'm glad that to you I'm a god! It's nice to know somebody appreciates me! Here's some more 'huh's' and 'what's' for you!! Anyway, I'm so happy you like my story! It gives me the warm fuzzies. I know, I have no life. But, If I did, I wouldn't have written this story, then, I wouldn't have gotten all the nice reviews, or the warm fuzzies! Ok, end rant.  
  
Samantha: Yeah, I've heard of 'The Sims 2' but, is it out yet?? Thanks for the review!  
  
Hanakin222: The invisible people annoy me, too! Yeah, I know about the male agents, but, it's so funny so what the hell, I say.  
  
blondevor: Stapey was a spur of the moment thing, and it escaladed from there. Product of a crazy mind. Lol. Thanks for the review.  
  
Rach: :bows at generous claps: thanks for the applause! I'm glad you're enjoying my story enough to clap!  
  
Beekay84: I know it's weird, but, I think that's what makes it so funny! Don't you?  
  
LVB: NO! NO HUGGING KRYCHECK! HE'S MINE! :cough cough: I mean…er…umm…that rat-bastard! He deserves no hugs (MINE! ALL MINE!) :ahem: Anyway, I'd put the buck tooth guy in here, but I forgot his name! If you know tell me so I can put him in the story!

* * *

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE 4  
  
"What's wrong?" Scully asked, quite confused at Mulder's sudden outburst.  
  
"My damn game! It's different!"   
  
She got up out of her chair, Mulder had quickly become more important than the missing Stapey, and walked over to his desk to see what was the matter. She peered at the computer, "what's wrong with it?"   
  
"It's the whole damn game! It's all different, the houses, the people! Look here," he pointed towards one house, "I surely didn't make that house, or a 'Sim' version of you, let alone have you and Krycheck married."  
  
Scully's face turned ashen, "if you'll excuse me," she said while running towards the door. She stopped dead in her tracks right before she opened the door. "Stapey!" She exclaimed happily, picking up the black stapler from the floor. "How'd you get here?" She skipped back towards her desk, the dilemma with Mulder and his game long since forgotten.   
  
Mulder hung his head and shook it, Scully had gone off the deep end, he knew one day it'd happen, but he figured he'd have gone off his rocker before she did. It was tragic.  
  
But, he had more important things to worry about. Somebody had gotten into his game. Some sick and twisted person who saw fit to make Krycheck and Scully a couple, a married couple, nonetheless. He fumed. Krycheck was his! Oh, no, wait. That wasn't it. Scully! Scully was his! Yeah, that was right, not Krycheck, Krycheck was the rat-bastard who killed his father, and Scully's sister. Right. Rat-bastard. Right.  
  
Then he noticed another new house, one that belonged to one Fox "Bitch" Mulder.   
  
Wait, bitch! Who on earth would have the audacity to call him a bitch!   
  
Then it occurred to him, Krycheck and Scully, Fox "Bitch" Mulder, only one person could be that cruel.   
  
It was Bill. Somehow he'd found out about Mulder killing him on his game, he flew in from California and snuck into his office, changing things to make Mulder's 'Sim' life miserable.   
  
"That bitch," he grumbled as he deleted all the changed games.   
  
"Huh?" Scully said, tearing her gaze away from Stapey.   
  
"Huh?" Mulder asked, he was confused, he'd been to busy contemplating his revenge on the evil bitch Bill Scully.  
  
Scully furrowed her brow, "what?"  
  
"What?"

"Huh?" Scully too was confused. What was going on?

"Huh?"

She shook her head, "never mind." Then she went back to Stapey.

* * *

It was finally 5 o'clock, and after a long farewell with Stapey, Scully gathered her things and left the office. She was quiet worried about Mulder, he hadn't said a word all day. To her or anyone. He even ignored the busty blonde who came in to ask him to lunch. And, he didn't even raise an eyebrow when Scully threw Stapey at her, knocking her out instantly. And, when she dragged the unconscious body of the Agent to the elevator Mulder didn't even notice she had left!   
  
'He doesn't care about you anymore, Scully.' Dana nagged.  
  
'Yes he does!'  
  
'No, he cares more about his computer than he does about you, face it, Scully, you're number two in his life now.'  
  
'Wait, I was number one?'  
  
Dana was getting frustrated, 'yes! For a long time, but then! Then the computer game became more important! What are you going to do about it Scully, how are you going to fix this? You've got to be number one! ONE, DAMN IT, ONE!'  
  
'Whoa there, Dana. Calm down just a bit. I know just how to fix this.' Scully said, a mischievous smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.  
  
'I like the sound of that!' Dana exclaimed, having calmed down. 'What's the plan?'  
  
'Well it's like this,' and from there on Scully explained her brilliant plan to Dana. Having to stop talking when Dana would let out the occasional snicker so that she could cuss Dana out for not paying attention. Dana would normally have been pissed off for getting cussed out by Scully, but, she was so excited about the plan, she couldn't have cared less.

* * *

a/n: End of chapter. Mwahaha! Short chapter, with a somewhat cliffhanger! How do you like them apples?!? Anyway, review, and, I'm still taking suggestions, if you've got um. I know, I'm crazy, this story is crazy, but, crazy is just so much more fun! Wouldn't you agree? Anyway, I did what was asked of me, provided another chapter. So, review already!


	5. THE END!

THANKS BE TO MY REVIEWERS  
  
Beekay84: You know, not that you mention it, the whole "Scully" and "Dana" thing does remind me of Gollum. But, totally coincidential. And, I have no clue when the sims first came out, but that is kind of strange isn't it! Anyway, I added the Sheriff in here, in honor of you, since you asked!  
  
Kersha: Yea! I'm glad I made you laugh so hard! Yeah, I know, really out-of-character, but so much fun! hope you like this chapter!  
  
Samantha: That's what I thought, too! Can't wait for 'The Sims 2' to come out, it does look so much different! Thank you for the review!

* * *

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE 5   
  
Dana and Scully left the office at 6 o'clock that day. But, they didn't REALLY leave. No, they hid in the janitors closet until Mulder left. They ended up waiting for over 2 hours! Who knew Mulder's life was that pathetic that he didn't leave work until after 8:00!  
  
'Uh, actually, I did.' Dana said.  
  
'Really? Why didn't you tell me?'  
  
Dana thought a moment, why hadn't she told Scully? Then she remembered, 'I thought you knew.'  
  
'Oh. Well, I didn't.'  
  
'But, now you do!'  
  
'You're right!'  
  
After picking the lock to the office the two stealthily crept up to Mulder's computer. Why they had to pick the lock went unknown to Scully, but, Dana said that it was crucial to their plan, so she went along with it. Scully waved at Stapey who strange enough didn't wave back. Scully was hurt.   
  
'Stapey must be mad at me!' She told Dana.  
  
'It's a damn stapler!' Dana screamed at her, 'it's an inanimate object, for cryin' out loud! It has no feelings, it can't wave, you are a fucking nut case!'  
  
Scully sniffled, 'Stapey is too real!'  
  
'It's a damn stapler!'  
  
'She is not!'  
  
Dana screamed in frustration. 'Just get the damn hammer will you?'  
  
'Alright.' She went to her desk, 'Hammey? Hammey, where are you?' She was starting to get worried. Had her beloved Hammey left her? If so, with whom?  
  
'Oh God no, not again.' Dana whined, shaking her head.  
  
Then Scully discovered Hammey lying under a few papers on her desk 'There you are, Hammey! I thought you left me for that bitch Stapey!'  
  
'They're not real!' Dana fumed. 'Get a fucking psychiatrist, why don't ya!'  
  
Scully sniffled, but then grabbed Hammey and walked back to Mulder's computer. 'I hope this doesn't hurt Hammey.' She said before taking Hammey and smashing him against Mulder's computer.  
  
'Die, bitch, die!' Dana laughed, 'Mwahahahaha!'  
  
Scully snickered mischievously as the hammer connected with the screen and the glass broke. The resounding shattering was liberating! Scully (or Dana for that matter) had never felt so alive, this was fun! She made a mental note to kill computers more often. Dana let out another evil laugh as the hammer came down on the computer once again.  
  
And that was the end of Mulder's computer.

* * *

Mulder yawned as he rode down the elevator the next morning. It smelt much better that day. He was very happy. When the elevator reached the drab basement office the resounding 'ding' filled the air, and the doors open. 'How nifty!', Mulder thought as he walked past the steel.   
  
He whistled some unnamed tune as he walked towards the office door, then yawned some more. He was very tired, he'd spent the whole night pondering the perfect revenge on the vile bitch Bill Scully. Damn him for screwing up his game! He would surely pay.  
  
Mulder twisted the knob on the door and opened it with ease. 'Wow! That was easy! I must be super strong!' He flexed his muscles, 'I am a sexy beast!'  
  
He looked up from his ripped muscles and noticed the disaster area before him. Somebody had destroyed his monitor! It lie in pieces all over his desk, and even on the floor. He walked around to survey the damage…and then he saw that his computer was torn to pieces as well! It looked as if somebody had thrown it on the floor, and then with all the strength they had jumped up and down on it! There was no hope.  
  
It was Bill again! Hadn't he had his revenge when he stole Krycheck…er…Scully from him! That was wrong enough! But this, this was just, pure and unadulterated malevolence! Nobody could possibly be that cruel, nobody but the vile bitch Bill Scully! And, maybe CSM. But, what would CSM gain by destroying his computer? Nothing, not a damn thing. Then, what about the vampire! Sheriff Hartwell? He was capable of doing something so cruel, he was a vampire, right? But then again, wouldn't he have just killed Mulder, and sucked his blood? Then there was Bill, and, Bill wanted revenge! That was his motive! It had to have been Bill! It was the only plausible answer!  
  
Mulder got down on the floor and curled into the fetal position, rocking back and forth, and the tears started. Not cold, silent tears. Hot, streaming tears. His shirt was soon drenched with the liquid.   
  
Then Scully walked in. "Mulder?" She said running over to him, "Mulder, what's wrong?" She feigned innocence, she knew what was wrong. He discovered his computer. On the inside, Scully was laughing. But, on the outside, she was the concerned partner.  
  
"It's…it's…my computer!" He bawled, "someone's destroyed it! The monitor, the computer, even the scanner! It's all…ruined!"  
  
She pulled him into an embrace, and rocked back and forth with him, as to calm him down. "There, there, Mulder. Computers can be replaced."  
  
'Damn it, Scully! NO! Don't tell him that! Then he'll replace you again! You damn fool, I can't believe you just said that!'  
  
'Shut-up, you bitch. Can't you see Mulder's hurt? I'd rather be 2nd in Mulder's life and him not hurt, than him hurt and be 1st!'  
  
'That's why you're so fucking crazy!'  
  
'Look who's talking, bitch!'  
  
'Who you callin' a bitch, bitch.'  
  
'You, bitch!'  
  
Dana drew in a breath, 'you…you…'  
  
'Bitch?' Scully offered.  
  
'AH!' Dana ran off, grabbed her service weapon, and shot herself.   
  
And that was the end of Dana.

* * *

Scully walked down the stairs quickly. She wanted to be there for Mulder's surprise! She was quite proud of herself. It had taken her a while to find the perfect computer to steal. She finally opted for Fowley's. She'd taken it to the LG, had them erase the hard drive, and it was as brand new.   
  
The scowled when she thought of taking it to the LG headquarters. Frohike had hit on her, as per norm, and she didn't have Mulder there to protect her, and Dana was gone. She'd been alone! That was not per norm! That was just cruel and unusual. Luckily, Byers was there to pull him off of her leg. Otherwise, she would have been forced to shoot him again.   
  
She contemplated sending flowers. She was sure that bullet in the foot hurt like hell. But, it must not have hurt that bad, Frohike hadn't gotten off of her.  
  
But, Byers saved the day. And Scully was happy.  
  
So, she'd brought the laptop the night before, and placed it in plain sight. Mulder wouldn't be able to miss it.   
  
She finally made her way to the basement (she had decided ne'er to go on the elevator again, not while Agent Hopkins and Kingsley were still an item, and to the best of her knowledge, the two were) and opened the door to find Mulder, sitting at his desk, a goofy smile plastered onto his face.   
  
"Happy early birthday, or late birthday, which ever is closest." She said setting her things down.  
  
"Thank you, Scully. This is great. Listen, I know you've been sad since Stapey and Hammey ran away with each other, and I'm sorry, really."  
  
She smiled wearily, "I'm fine Mulder. I've gotten over it. They're happy together. I got a postcard the other day."  
  
"Yeah…right…anyway. Thanks for the new laptop. It must've cost a fortune."  
  
She smiled inwardly, if he only knew she'd gotten it on a five-finger discount. Oh well, Fowley wouldn't be needing it, or any of the other information the LG had found in the hard drive.  
  
Not to mention the rather explicated photographs they'd found of her and Spender (jr. not senior). Those were being e-mailed to every Agent in the FBI as the day progressed. And, number one on the list of recipients was AD Skinner. Boy, would he choke on his coffee.  
  
Scully chuckled thinking about it.   
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
She looked over her shoulder at him, "oh. Nothing. Just another day at the office."  
  
FINI

* * *

a/n: and, that's a wrap. I know I ended it kind of suddenly, no warning or anything, but I thought this was a good stopping place. I'll try some more humor fics in the present, seeing as I got such good reviews for this one. Thank all of you for actually reading my story, and extra thanks for reviewing so nicely! Anyway, cuotfs!  
  
catch u on the flip side (just this really dorky thing my sister does all the time)  
  
Review, please! Tell me if you liked the ending! 


	6. EPILOGUE

CB15: Oh my God! I love your reviews! Sorry I didn't end up writing more, but, I'm dedicating this epilogue to you and your great reviews! I'm so glad you like my stories. 'Cos, your stories crack me up. Thanks a bunch! Cuotfs! :hugs inner dork:  
  
Rach: Yeah, my Scully does need some help. So, Dr. Rach is in honor of you!   
  
BeeKay84: This epilogue is also for you and your great reviews! Thanks!  
  
Alani: Oh, gosh. Where did I come up with the idea? This'll be long! For the fic in itself, my inspiration was 'The Sims' game. I was just playing it one day and I thought "I've never seen a game written about 'The sims' so I'll write one!" and I've always wanted to write a humor fic, so I saw this as the perfect way! For Stapey, it started with a song by Mark Shultz, one line says 'And I ponder where my staplers gone to'. Stapey escaladed from there. I'm glad my story made you laugh out loud! I actually did whilst writing it!

* * *

Epilogue   
  
Mulder hadn't been sitting at his desk for more than 2 minutes when the bitch of an Agent Fowley knocked on his door. He looked up and then immediately regretted it! She was the ugliest bitch he'd ever seen! She looked even more ugly (if it was possible) than the last time he'd seen her. It was uncanny.   
  
He looked back down quickly, pretending as if he hadn't seen her, but she wasn't buyin' it. She came in the office anyway.  
  
"Fox,"  
  
"Would you stop calling me Fox, damn it! You fucking ugly bitch! Don't you know by now I hate that damn name almost as much as I hate you ugly ass face!"  
  
Her face crumpled, "I…I…I just wanted to say goodbye! Skinner just fired me, he found the pictures of Spender and I! I knew that I shouldn't have had Krycheck take them!! That rat-bastard!" She ran off crying.   
  
"Ha, ha," Mulder laughed, "bitch!" He was glad Scully had killed off the 'Sim' version of Diana. She was too ugly for the game.  
  
A few minutes later Scully came down stairs, out of breath.  
  
"What's wrong, Scully?"  
  
"I just ran down 4 flights of stairs!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"'Cause I'm never getting on that corrupted elevator again!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Don't you know, Mulder? Agents Hopkins and Kingsley have been hooking up in it every night for the past two weeks! Don't you listen to the shameless bathroom conversations? You've got to if you want to know all the juicy gossip. Like, did you know, Spender and Diana have been having an affair for over 3 weeks, and, they've hired Krycheck to take their quote unquote photographs? That one, that one right there, I found out first. Rumors (even the real ones) spread around like wild fire." She rubbed her hands together, her blue eyes sparkled, "ain't it great?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."   
  
Scully looked down at her watch, "oh, shit."  
  
"What?" Mulder asked, seeing that something was bothering her.  
  
"What?" Scully said, she had been taking to herself. It was a common thing, now that Dana wasn't around for her to talk to.  
  
"Huh?" Mulder was getting confused! What, what?  
  
"Huh?" Scully was getting pissed! If he kept bothering her, she'd lose her train of thought!  
  
"What?" Mulder had become annoyed.   
  
"Never mind!!" She grabbed her coat and headed for the door.  
  
"Wait, where are you going?"  
  
"I forgot I've got an appointment."  
  
"Oh."   
  
And with that, Scully left the basement, and Mulder.

* * *

"…well, Dr. Rach, it all started when I was 3. Mom and Ahab had just brought Charlie home from the hospital, and Bill was, as usual, being a complete ass. He told me that now that there was another--"  
  
The Doctor cut her off short, "how about we start with more recent events?"  
  
Scully nodded, "whatever you say, doc.  
  
"Well, it all started when I was 15--"  
  
The Doctor cut her off again, "let's try last week, shall we?"  
  
"Sure thing. It all started last week. We had just got back from the most idiot case we'd ever been on, I mean, come on, aliens don't drive minivans! They drive SUV's, for cryin' out loud! And, Mulder knew that! But, we had to go 'investigate' even though I tried to remind him!" She paused, remembering the past week, "alright. So, it was a slow day, so I decided to play 'The Sims'…"  
  
7 hours later  
  
"…and while I was trying to console Mulder over his loss--even if it was my fault, he didn't know-- Dana was yelling at me for telling him that computers were replicable, she told me that I'd be second in his life, and I told her I didn't care. She called me crazy! Can you believe that, here I am, somebody who's given her a place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, and she had the audacity to call me crazy! So I said 'look who's talking, bitch!' and she was like, 'who you callin' a bitch, bitch,' and I was like, 'you, bitch!' and she said, 'you…you' and I merely offered her something to finish her sentence with, I suggested that she say, 'bitch'. So then, she grabbed her gun and shot herself! She left me! Can you believe that!"  
  
The Doctor blinked.  
  
"And then, then Stapey and Hammey ran off with each other! Oh, can you believe Dana told me that they weren't real! That stupid bitch, if they weren't real, how could they run off together? Huh? Answer that one, Smarty pants!"  
  
The Doctor blinked again. What a crazy bitch!  
  
"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the two. They're really happy together. Got married and everything. And, the other day I got news that Stapeys going to have a little hampler! And, they're making me the god-mother."  
  
"Ms. Scully--"  
  
She held up a hand, "I'm not finished. Now, Hammey and Stapey aside. I was racked with guilt over what I did to Mulder's computer, I mean, it was under the influence of Dana. And, since Dana was gone, I was finally thinking clearly. So, I got a new laptop for him, on a five finger discount. You ever gotten a five finger discount, Doctor? They're wonderful. You pay nearly nothing. Anyway, I got him the new computer, and he was happy! He even apologized about Stapey and Hammey. It's all super!"  
  
Dr. Rach store at Scully in wonder. This woman was a nut case, but, if the FBI thought she was well enough to be an Agent, why argue with them? "Ms. Scully. You ran over by 6 hours. That's going to be 14 dollars."  
  
"What? That's outrageous! 14 dollars! You're crazy!" She grabbed her wallet, "I'll never be coming back here again!"  
  
Then she left, Dr. Rach was happy, 14 dollars was a lot for one session!

* * *

Scully was relieved to see that Mulder was still working when she got back from her appointment with Dr. Rach. "Hey, Mulder."  
  
"Hi, Scully. Agent O'Connel brought back your stapler and hammer. She said she was sorry that she didn't ask to borrow them, but you'd left for the day when she came down."

"Stapey and Hammey are back!!...I mean...uh...oh, it's no biggie, next time you see her tell her I said she can borrow them at any time. Just ask." She scratched the back of her head, and looked down at the floor, hoping he wouldn't realize the mistake she'd made. Stapey and Hammey hadn't left her after all! She was happy.

Mulder blinked in the same manor Dr. Rach had, "all right then." Yep, Scully was three fries short of a happy meal, that was for sure.

Scully desperately searched for a new topic, anything to get Mulder from looking at her like she was insane! "So...eh...you doing anything this weeked?"  
  
"Not really, just the same 'ole same 'ole. What 'bout you? Any plans?"  
  
"Nah, just another weekend away from the office."

* * *

a/n: so what do you guys think, spin off maybe? Think i've got it in me? Review and let me know, i'll do my best.


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